How the 2007 Movie “Hot Rod” Shaped Who I Am as a Person
On a lonely, recent, and sun-flecked afternoon, I sank deliciously into a sectional, having unwrapped and injected a new blu-ray disc into my Xbox. The disc was fresh like a baby’s bellybutton and just delivered from Amazon dot com, and I was quivering, exhilarated.
As an American and a millennial — not to mention an artsy and introverted child of the suburbs — I feel obligated to admit that the rumors are true: Media — movies, music, games, books, and others of the devil’s wares — have played a pivotal role in shaping the sensitive, weeping, ridiculous mess of a person that I am today.
I danced through the early and mid 2000s on a DDR mat connected to the chunky, whirring thing that was my PS2; my most prized possession. Whenever a new Unfortunate Event was released (you know, from the Series), my entire fifth grade class practically went all Lord of the Flies on each other’s ass for the school library’s copies. Lemony Snicket was a prolific genius, and J.K. Rowling might as well have been God. At the dawn of the Harry Potter movie era, I plastered a cupboard with posters and just, you know, chilled in there. And through it all I pretty much always had a pack of double stuffed Oreos and a dripping ham & cheese Hot Pocket within arms reach.
Damn, things were sick.
It is for this and many other reasons that I feel privileged — nay, blessed — to be a child of the 90s. We have grown up through so much cool, weird stuff, and one of those stuffs occurred in the blessed year of our Lord 2007 (which was not that blessed; I was in seventh grade and wore a retainer to school). I feel especially lucky to have been at that tender age in 2007 where I was old enough, yet young enough, to appreciate the release of a “hot” new movie (I put quotation marks around the word “hot” because the movie is Hot Rod. It’s a play on words. Might’ve been a little premature).
My recent re-watching was the first in years, and was rapturous. I felt a feeling reminiscent of a reunion with an old trusted friend, a friend who I secretly had a crush on and may have accidentally modeled the rest of my life after once we parted. We’ve all been there.
But um, yeah, I had not realized how much this movie influenced me. I have basically been living my life according to it, for ten years.
This was pretty startling to realize, y’all. Pretty startling.
So, since we’re all interested here and I have aspirations of one day being a serious writer, here are the ways in which the 2007 comedy “Hot Rod” starring Andy Samberg heavily influenced the ways in which I live my actual life, more than ten years later.
My glowing parlance
Below is a list of the words and phrases from Hot Rod that have gotten some major play time in my vocabulary these last ten-or-so years. And I mean major.
- “That’s just a sample.” This is to be said after doing anything impressive — think a knee-flip on the tramp or a failed attempt at climbing a tree — so that the audience knows that there is more where that came from. May also be used after partaking of an actual sample, say, at a Costco.
- Calling oneself “Voltron”. You’ll find this self-given name on many a 2000s journal of mine. Why? I dunno, maybe because it’s super badass.
- “YOU KNOW I HAVE A HORMONE DISORDER!” Let’s get sentimental, people. I had hormone disorders in middle school, and I said this a lot as a ‘joke’. You know, to cope! :)
- “There’s no tool, in this pool.” This is to be said anytime you are in or around a pool. I mean it. Do not hold back with this one because it’s funny every time.
- “Oh, hey Denise.” I named my first car Denise because I didn’t have a human Denise to use this bad boy on, but then quickly realized that calling random people Denise is both hilarious and satisfying.
- “Is this some sort of interactive theater art piece?” Well? Is it?? (At risk of getting a little too existential, yeah, it is.)
- “And that, is how it’s done.” To be said after a long series of high fives. The longer the better. It should hurt. The high fives.
- “Funky fresh.” This was a staple through middle and high school, though I later dropped it because it didn’t fit my IMAGE.
- “Pools are perfect for holding water, man.” Again, lots of pool-related material here. Go wild. It’s always funny.
- “You’re the DEVIL!” To be said to the devil, in order to reveal him.
- “You have only to believe, if you wish to achieve.” And also, said consecutively in the movie, “That rhymed. Unintentional.” Guys, shoot. I think I’ve said this every time I’ve unintentionally rhymed since 2007.
- “I am just green with jealous rage right now.” For whenever I am.
- “I do my laundry with no pants on.” This is to be sung.
- “Mom likes that stuff, so.” Whenever she doesn’t.
- “Stay sweet.” I say this when I’m trying to come off as awkward, but cool. Like someone who likes the movie “Hot Rod”, and not ironically.
- The word “serendipitous”, said with a bit of a lisp.
- “And that brings us to now.” Perfect for storytelling.
- “Cool beans.” Okay, the phrase ‘cool beans’ pretty much encapsulates the entire 2000s era. But this movie might’ve been what catapulted it to iconism.
- “Man, that shatters my entire universe.” I say this whenever something even remotely interesting or surprising happens. Nobody is ever annoyed by it, ever.
My style — like, my fashion sense
Okay, yeah, let’s scoot on past the obvious point that Isla Fisher in this role helped me realize that I was gay. WHATEVER. DOESN’T MATTER. The point is that whoever dressed her for this movie really — just — they did a great job. I’ve wanted the following t-shirts since 2007 and I am not kidding:
I have searched for them online since the day I learned how to use the internet. If you have any leads, please help your girl out.
My friends, and how I pick ‘em
It hasn’t evaded me that my best friend — and his (other) best friends — is the most Rod-esque person I have ever met. I wanted to be their Denise, minus the kissing.
I wanted to be the chick in their crew! I wanted to be their crew chick (again, no kissing)!
They even look the same!
My dreams
Look, I’ll admit it. My love for this movie is a total case of The Escapisms. I wanna sneak around in a forest, pillows duct-taped all over my entire body, trying to withstand the strike of my friend-driven van. I wanna find fireworks in the men’s bathroom and light them off. I wanna build ramps for my friends to launch off of, probably to their deaths.
I just do. I wanna do dumb shit.
And I always will. SMOKE SCREEN! *the lady disappears*
My literal outlook on life, and acceptance of my own strangeness
This movie swoops in hard with the raw, subtle, real-life inspiration! And let’s be honest, it’s mostly from Denise, who as the sole female character of consequence is pretty much required to be all mushy-feely, and to kiss someone who’s not in her league.
Just saying.
But you know what, I am a weird adult, which means I was even weirder kid. And as a kid, I promised myself I’d never sell out like Rod almost does, because everybody just grows up and gets boring and sells out. And doing what you want is only embarrassing if you care what other people think.
Poop joke
Okay in retrospect this ended a bit more sentimentally than I was going for, so here’s a link to some cool poop jokes.